It’s 1:00 in the morning and my mind is going a thousand miles a minute and although I am exhausted, I can not find sleep. This is going to be a raw post because it’s early (late?) and my perfection is not in action as of yet.
Yesterday was rough. I cried more times than I could count and in general, I was an emotional wreck. I’m feeling so alone in recovery and in life in general. I live in a small town which is located next to another small town…to give you an idea, I live over an hour away from the nearest Target or Wal-Mart. But I could live with that (although I do love shopping) if I had friends. Heck, I’d even take one, close friend. I want someone who I can pour my heart out to but also go on spontaneous adventures with. Who will listen, not judge, and always be there.
I know that’s a lot to ask and maybe it’s a pipe dream that will never become a reality. I mean, as far as friends go, I’ve never had a close one who stuck around. People move on and so far, no one has lasted. And that freaking sucks, it really does. Top that off with an eating disorder, anxiety, poverty, and general chaos and you have the perfect storm.
I don’t want to seem like a self pitying, whiney little bitch. I just need to rant and let it all out. All of the pent up frustrations and hidden emotions. I cry, yes. But I cry about stupid things with no meaning. I make a big deal about the little things because I don’t want to address the real issues. Most of the time I don’t even realize was the real issues are…or maybe, I just can’t face them. It’s easier to obsess over portion sizes than deal with the nagging loneliness.
I feel like a mouse stuck in a trap. Everywhere I turn, there are walls. I scream and pound but I can’t escape. So I distract myself with my body and its numerous “flaws.” I cry because I ate an extra exchange and because, God forbid, I might gain weight. Except this distraction is not productive or helpful in any way. Instead, it creates a trap inside a trap. Now I not only must face loneliness, poverty, and anxiety (not to mention just being a teenager in general), but also an eating disorder which leads to more anxiety and depression.
And at the moment I have no therapist or dietician for two reasons: the dietician dropped me anyway (that’s a whole other story) and even if she hadn’t, I don’t have any current insurance coverage (yet another story.) It’s scary to be on my own. Of course, I have my family but they can only do so much and it’s difficult for them to get how I’m feeling. The only way you can truly understand is if at some point, you had an eating disorder yourself.
I don’t want to go back to Beatrix (ED)…I CAN’T go back. But I feel like I’m not really in a solid place right now, mentally, emotionally, or physically. I’m not sick but full freedom seems so far off. I did send in an application on the website MentorConnect, where you basically connect with someone who considers themselves “recovered.” They give you advice, encouragement, and there’s also group support.
I’m going to try to sleep now. I took some anti-anxiety medicine so hopefully that will help. I’m sorry if this was a more “Debbie downer” type of post. I promise more encouraging and light hearted posts are coming! I’ve even thought of different themes for the type of blog posts I want to do on different days so that there’ll be lots of variety. More on that later.
Good night (good morning?),
*I just realized how all over the place this post is! Remember, it was almost two in the morning…Thanks for reading it anyway and stick around for better things to come.