Thinking Out Loud Thursday #3// The Time When I’m Really Confused

So I realize I’ve been incognito for the past few days but today I’m back and I’m linking up with Amanda for another Thinking Out Loud Thursday!

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Today is a bit different from my previous Thinking Out Loud posts; I’m going to do more of a recovery/life update. If this does not sound at all interesting to you, I understand! I’ll see you tomorrow:)

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In all honesty, I’m not quite sure how to start this. I’m not even sure what there is to update on, except for the fact that at the moment, I am feeling very lost and confused.

In terms of recovery, I’m at an odd place. I haven’t relapsed but I have been having a lot more “slips” lately and it’s very frustrating. My urges have been much stronger and more consistent and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the fact that currently I don’t have a therapist or dietitian or any other “team” member and so I feel as if I can “get away with it.”

Which leads me to the my dietitian appointment on Tuesday.

To put it shortly, it didn’t happen.

I wanted it to happen. It was scheduled and I was ready to go. I really do need and want the support at this point; I’m not trying to fight it and I’m far from being in denial. I’ll acknowledge when I need help.

But there’s the money thing. Always the money thing. *this is the part where I scream and smash walls, hulk-style*

I don’t have insurance at the moment that will cover my treatment (apparently it’s a luxury.) When I first got home from treatment, I did have it but the monthly payment got to be too much (although in all honesty anything would probably be too expensive for us right now.) I thought that the dietitian would work out something with us, maybe lower her prices or maybe I could go bi-weekly instead of weekly.

But. This didn’t happen. I’m not sure if it’s because she just wouldn’t or because Daddy didn’t ask her. Either way, it sucks.

And now I’m just like, “Okay, what next?”

I know I’m not eating enough. I know I’m skipping too many snacks. Our crazy schedule, which leads to a missed lunch or two occasionally, doesn’t help. I mean, how can I work around our schedule and fight against my urges and have time for everything else I’m supposed to be doing? I feel as if I accomplished nothing during the 6 months I was away; the “real world” is just so different from the structure and safety of a treatment center. My coping skills and new found confidence seem to have flown out the window.

I am frustrated with myself, with insurance companies (that could be a whole ‘nother post…), and even my own family to some degree. Some of this may be justified, some of it may not be, some of it may be that I’m a teenager. Who knows. But the feelings are real.

I need a game plan but again, I don’t know where to begin. I don’t want to relapse. I don’t want to go back to eating disorder hell. And yet, it’s like an addiction. I love the feeling of hunger and feeling “in control.” In that moment, when my urges are strong and hunger is washing over me, I don’t think about the long term consequences. I just feel relief and almost calm. That is until I get all hangry and I start going on an emotional roller coaster that only goes down.

Okay, enough rambling.

On another note, I will be continuing BlogTember, even though I did miss two days. I am so sorry about that…I don’t really have an excuse except that I couldn’t get myself to do anything, much less write a blog post.

Yeah, that excuse sucked.

But tomorrow’s a new day with no mistakes in it yet.

Until tomorrow,

-Sarah

No questions today, just your thoughts!:)

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One thought on “Thinking Out Loud Thursday #3// The Time When I’m Really Confused

  1. I wish I could help somehow! 😥

    And I didn’t even notice you missed two days! I agree that just because you did miss two days, and even if you miss more, you don’t have to give up on the whole thing; unless of course it is somehow effecting you negatively. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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